G.O.P. filibusters own vote on whether to change nickname to "The Party Of No"

Republican leaders seemed shocked today when members of their own ranks filibustered their clubhouse vote on whether to change their nickname to "the party of no."  John Boehner was visibly upset, his complexion changing from sienna to burnt sienna as he chastised the "rebels" within his party. Mitch McConnell's expression was so tense that it almost appeared as if his skin was no longer sliding off his face, though he downplayed the setback, referring to it as "only a speed bump on the superhighway to Nobamaland."
   The filibuster was a three-pronged attack, headed by John McCain. McCain had said he would only vote for the name change if more than 80% of republicans agreed to it. When early polls showed over 90% agreed, McCain said he thought the polling was flawed. When he received a letter signed by 95% of both house and senate republicans stating they wanted the name change McCain decided to filibuster the vote "until more studies, not just of current republicans, but of future generations, can be completed in a manner that reaches a conclusion that agrees with my personal prejudices." Ironically, the motion for the name change was authored by McCain.
    Eric Cantor of Virginia backed McCain on the filibuster, but for different reasons. "I agree with the name change, but the voters put me in Washington for a reason. I am here to throw sand in the gears of government, to make sure nothing gets done while that very urban president is in office. I agree with the new name. My associates agree with it. The overwhelming majority of my constituents agree with it. This filibuster is not about what should or should not happen. It's a demonstration of how a micro-minority with its own agenda can stop anything it wants to, for whatever reason- real or fabricated. It's what my public pays me to do. It's what my Lipton-drinking fan base expects of me."
    Dan Issa of California was the only other republican who supported the filibuster. "I agree with the name change 100%, but I cannot vote with a clear conscience with all the riders they have attached to it. And actually I support all of the riders, but it's nice to look like you're standing up to 'business as usual.' The voters really seem to get off on that."
     Several riders had been added the vote. There was a proposition nominating Julian Assange as head of Obama's personal secret service detail, the "No Millionaire Left Behind" tax loophole bill, and the "Merde Act",  which would take underperforming American students who did not go on to college or join the military and deport them to Mexico while stripping them of their citizenship.

Palin outraged: "Jennifer Grey, show us your birth certificate!"

     When Jennifer Grey was crowned champion of Dancing With The Stars last week there was a huge sigh of relief from much of the country. For Bristol Palin fans, however, and her mother, there were shrieks of disappointment which have now turned to cries of "cheater." Bristol's fans, known as The B. Party, are disputing the results of the show for reasons ranging from "voter irregularity" to whether Grey should have been allowed on the show to begin with. "We have several problems with the way the votes were tabulated," said B Party spokesperson Susan Angle. "We feel there was a large group of, how shall I put this nicely?... unregistered burrito types who voted for her just because Patrick Swayze is a god in Mexico. She was also popular among the prison population, "Dirty Dancing" is the closest thing to porn they can watch in lockup, and as we all know felons aren't allowed to vote in the United States. For anything. Ever. If we could throw out all the votes from the illegals and the cons and, for good measure, the gays, I know Bristol would be the champ."
   Sarah Palin, Bristol's mother and the former 1/2 governor of Alaska, had her own spin as to why her daughter should have won. "She claims to be from New York," said Palin during an episode of her Discovery Channel campaign commercial. "Then why does she spell her name G-R-E-Y? That sounds awful European to me. That ain't no American spelling I know. If you claim you're American you better start spelling American. Know what I mean?" Palin then winked and fired a shotgun at a passing squirrel. "She claims she's one of "us". Well why hasn't she shown us her birth certificate? How come we've never run in to her at church? I've never even seen her drink a beer. She's not qualified to be America's champion. Maybe Finland's champion, or some other place where they all get nose jobs and spell their name wrong, but not my America. She should resign, or abdicate, or whatever they do where she's from." Palin stroked the shaft of her shotgun lovingly. "I would hate for someone to have to take 2nd amendment actions to rectify this injustice." Palin turned toward a nearby barn that had a lifesize cutout of Grey leaning against it and raised her shotgun. "Dance for me now, you foreign faker!" shouted Palin as she calmly fired, blowing off the cutout's right leg. Palin then turned her head to the camera, smiled, and winked. "Nobody puts MY baby in the corner," she purred, firing once more, blowing off Grey's head.

Tea Party realizes "Tea Bagger" has dirty sexual overtones, changes nickname to "Salad Tossers"

Members of the Tea Party have referred to themselves as "Tea Baggers" almost since the inception of the fledgling movement, apparently oblivious of its reference to sexual act that many of the Tea Partiers themselves would consider depraved. As of this weekend, however, it appears that someone in the party read a men's magazine, or maybe watched some Cinemax, and became aware of what "tea bagging" entails. After holding an emergency all day meeting on Saturday, it was announced on Sunday that from now on they would refer to themselves as "Salad Tossers".
     "We was always wondering what the snickering was about," said Tea Party spokesman Eustis Gibber. "Once we found out about the sexual connotations we knew we had to change the name pronto. We debated a lot of possibilities but finally settled on 'Salad Tossers' because we are grassroots, we're earthy, and we like to mix things up. Some people didn't like that name at first, and we almost split into different factions over it, but in the end we stayed united. As one united group we know we can still toss America's salad."
    When asked about the possible factions Gibber refused comment, but others that were in the closed door sessions were more forthcoming. "It was a madhouse in there. Everyone wanted to change the name of the whole movement just to match their agenda," said an official who wished to remain anonymous. " The Ohioans, angry at their high unemployment, wanted 'Cleveland Steamers'. The Freedom of Speech crusaders, angry about the Rick Sanchez firing, wanted 'The Dirty Sanchez'. The religious ones wanted 'The Glory Whole'. Pennsylvanians wanted 'Hershey Highway'. And Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman almost won with 'Two Girls, One Coup'."
   

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rendered obsolete by Army's new VIPIR Gaydar

Menlo Park- Army neuroscientists, working closely with a team of T.V. station staff meteorologists, have unveiled what they call the world's first VIPIR Gaydar. "We are very excited about this," said Army spokesperson Terry Stuart. "Our years of research have finally paid off." The device, referred to as V.G., is able to detect the subtle difference in the part of the brain that the Army scientists refer to as the "gay matter". This part of the brain, which this reporter will not even attempt to spell, is located in the hypothalmus and is larger in people that consider themselves homosexual. "In my opinion this is the part of the brain that hates God, and it becomes swollen when a man makes the decision that he would rather seek the embraces of another seed loader, rather than a God-intended egg bearer," said Stuart. "We make passes over the entire platoon and just look for the little blip on the screen. It's almost like a video game, 'cept I can't shoot 'em. We just snap their photo and start the paperwork to get them the hell out of my army." Stuart pointed to a large bulletin board that had 2 dozen photos of individual soldiers doing drills, obviously unaware they were being photographed. "I love this machine. Used to be there was nothing I could do, even when you could smell the Bette Midler just drippin' off of them. We don't need these these perversions prancing around in well muscled tank tops and camo pants distracting me or my men." Stuart paused, and stared intently at the board. He let out a long breath and closed his eyes. "It just makes me feel so good," he said softly, "looking at all these Privates. Imagining all these young men's discharges."
     The device had been in design stages for years, but was actually able to come to fruition after large financial donations from John McCain, the Westboro Baptist Church, and the disingenuously named "Center for Homosexual Fairness", which is actually an ultraconservative PAC named by Karl Rove.

"We're #1!" Boxed wine now #1 cause of unplanned pregnancy

Statistics released from the Center For Women's Health reveal that boxed wine has has overtaken perennial favorite "youthful indiscretion" as the leading cause for unplanned pregnancy in the United States. Boxed wine makers were jubilant about taking the top spot. "Halfway through the year we were in third or fourth place," said a breathless Miles Morgan, owner of Swig It From the Spigot winery and Boxed Wine Association spokesman. "We knew we had some ground to make up, and when (Director of development) Bruce Hunter came up with 'Books On Grape' we knew we had at least a chance to make things interesting." The recently released "Books On Grape" are boxed wines that are designed to look just like a stack of books, so they blend in easily on a nightstand or a desk. "We knew once we got the wine into the bedroom it would create a petri dish of unplanned pregnancies and bad decisions. I'm just so proud of all my guys right now. We've been putting the alcohol in fetal alcohol syndrome for years, and now we have the title to prove it! Somebody get me a box of Champagne!"
     Boxed wine's surge with caucasian women 18 to 30 is what took it to the top spot. "Youthful indiscretion" was still #1 amongst teenage girls, and "f*%#ing Viagra" was the leader in women over 40. Among African American women of all age groups the #1 cause for unplanned pregnancy, for the 24th year in a row, was Barry White music.

A.M.A.: Bratz Dolls "gateway drug" to marrying men with neck tattoos

Researchers in the United States have recently discovered a surprising statistic wherein women who played with Bratz Dolls as children were 4 times more likely to marry a man with a neck tattoo, compared to those who played with Barbies or other dolls. They were also twice as likely to marry men with mullets, and 7 times more likely to have "huffed" something in order to catch a buzz. While some might call these findings shocking, Trixie LaRue, president and founder of Bratz Dolls Inc, defended her company and her dolls. "Well, at least they're getting married," said LaRue on the Howard Stern radio show. "Bratz Dolls teach 8 year olds how to catch a man. Not every girl is going to grow up to be Suzy Scientist and girls need to know there are other ways to get ahead in life besides brains. Ever since they pulled 'Stripper Barbie' off the shelves young girls have had no way to hone their feminine wiles. Before Bratz Dolls how many 6 year olds knew what thigh high leather boot were, much less how to zip one up?"
    Ms. LaRue then discussed the upcoming fall line of dolls, which included Belle Limia, "What's this sore?" Jua Q'ina, and "Pseudoephedrine Hoarding" Holly. LaRue proudly admitted the new line was really pushing the envelope. "They're Bratz Dolls, what did you expect? " As for the detrimental effects the dolls may have on young girls LaRue was a bit more defensive. "You show me a person with a collection of Bratz Dolls, I'll show you Bristol Palin. Show me a person with a collection of Barbies, I'll show you Liberace."

Va. A.G. Cuccinelli fights to stop state funding for education unless "suggestively dangling" state of Florida blocked out on school maps

Virginia's Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli has vowed to find a way to cut off state funds for education if the state of Florida is not removed or blocked out of all maps that appear in public education classrooms, whether in textbooks or on walls. "It is obvious what part of the anatomy that suggestively dangling land mass is supposed to represent", thundered Cuccinelli at the Kickout Kenyan King Obama Tea Party rally in Norfolk. "We cannot afford to expose our children to that kind of pornography. It's digusting- the way it lays there flaccidly with such length and girth. The way it deliciously curves right before the tip...knowing how the warm Gulf waters are gently licking at the shores of its Panhandle..." Cuccinelli faded out, seemingly lost in disgust. A roar of approval from the crowd snapped his reverie. "I refuse to expose my children, OUR children, to such filth! Florida needs to be thrown down in the dungeon of willfull ignorance, down there with evolution and global warming!"
    The crowd erupted in agreement. Many carried picket signs echoing Cuccinelli's message such as "Circumcise The South!" and "You Can't Spell Phallus Without FLA!" Florida officials declined comment.

Tea Partier kicked out of rally for drawing “flattering” mustache on Obama poster

Pious, Kentucky- Edna Mae Sutcliffe of Florence was asked to leave the Americans for a More American America Tea Party rally yesterday for drawing what organizers called a "flattering" mustache on her Obama picket sign. "How hard is it to draw a 'Hitler'?" fumed rally organizer Mabry Townes. "It's the easiest thing in the world to draw. It's basically just a smudge. What was she thinking? Did Tom Selleck lead the Third Reich?"  Many rally attendants agreed. "I brought my girls here with me," said Pious resident Dwayne Lee Floyd. "I wanted them to see exactly what's right, and exactly what's wrong, with America. How am I s'posed to fill them with paranoia and hate for that Muslim Kenyan socialist dictator when he's starin' down from that sign like he's f%$*ing Billy Dee f&%*ing Williams? My oldest one, Valtrex, is 13 and she was starin' at him like he was Dale Jr. dipped in ranch dressing. We's s'posed to be firing up dissention, not some damn jungle fever. I swear she was eyeballin' that poster like it was a confederate flag-shaped pork rind. How can you undo something like that?"
    Not all members of the fledgling movement were as upset by the sign. Sarah Palin, unofficial spokesman for the Tea Party, addressed the issue on Glenn Beck's internet TV show, where she called for cooler heads to prevail. "I can't for the life of me figure out why this is such a big deal," she purred from Beck's underground bunker studio on Monday. "It's not like she made him white."