Menlo Park- Army neuroscientists, working closely with a team of T.V. station staff meteorologists, have unveiled what they call the world's first VIPIR Gaydar. "We are very excited about this," said Army spokesperson Terry Stuart. "Our years of research have finally paid off." The device, referred to as V.G., is able to detect the subtle difference in the part of the brain that the Army scientists refer to as the "gay matter". This part of the brain, which this reporter will not even attempt to spell, is located in the hypothalmus and is larger in people that consider themselves homosexual. "In my opinion this is the part of the brain that hates God, and it becomes swollen when a man makes the decision that he would rather seek the embraces of another seed loader, rather than a God-intended egg bearer," said Stuart. "We make passes over the entire platoon and just look for the little blip on the screen. It's almost like a video game, 'cept I can't shoot 'em. We just snap their photo and start the paperwork to get them the hell out of my army." Stuart pointed to a large bulletin board that had 2 dozen photos of individual soldiers doing drills, obviously unaware they were being photographed. "I love this machine. Used to be there was nothing I could do, even when you could smell the Bette Midler just drippin' off of them. We don't need these these perversions prancing around in well muscled tank tops and camo pants distracting me or my men." Stuart paused, and stared intently at the board. He let out a long breath and closed his eyes. "It just makes me feel so good," he said softly, "looking at all these Privates. Imagining all these young men's discharges."
The device had been in design stages for years, but was actually able to come to fruition after large financial donations from John McCain, the Westboro Baptist Church, and the disingenuously named "Center for Homosexual Fairness", which is actually an ultraconservative PAC named by Karl Rove.
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