Blargle interviews Cuccinelli: "When did you realize you were gay?"

     On Friday Virginia's Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli floated the idea that Virginia could "raise, equip and fund an independent Virginia militia entirely from state revenues." (Washington Post-1/28/10) in order to bypass the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. He would rather spend state money to supplant the National Guard than to allow homosexuals to serve in his state. Soon after he made this statement he sat down with Blargle for this exclusive interview.

Blargle: When did you realize you were gay?
Ken Cuccinelli: I'm not gay. Never have been gay. Never will be gay. Why? Did somebody tell you I'm gay? They're lying. I am soooo not gay.
B: O.K. We get the point. But why have you displayed such animus to the homosexual community?
K.C.: Animals? Who said anything about animals? I have never mentioned animals, and if anyone said anything about me and animals they're lying. I have never mentioned gerbils or hamsters or stallions or any other creature. You have no photographic proof.
B: Not animals, sir. Animus. Why do you have such hatred for gays?
K.C.: I don't hate gays. That's my God's job. No, I don't hate them, but I will admit some of them make me very uncomfortable, especially the butch men. The tall ones with dark hair who are all oiled up in their leather vests and tight shorts, the ones that look like they could just jump off the pages of the magazine and, well, ...lets just say it is that discomfort that has lead to many of my initiatives. If they can make a straight man such as myself feel that tingly/queasy, I can only imagine the harm they could do to the children and others of our great state.
B: Speaking of your initiatives, there does seem to be a pattern of targeting the gay citizens of Virginia. Removing the protected class status of state workers, attempting to make all public universities in Virginia do the same, trying to cover up the breast of Lady Liberty, and now this. What motivates you?
K.C.: How was the Lady Liberty thing anti-gay?
B: It isn't. We just still can't get over how small minded that is so we like to bring it up as much as possible. But really, what motivates you?
K.C.: Well my first consideration is the citizens of our great state. I want Virginia to be known as the un-gayest state in America. And I want to be known as the un-gayest attorney general in America. When people mention my name I want them to say "Wow. That Ken Cuccinelli sure is not gay. He is the straightest, most not attracted to members of the same sex guy in the world." That's all I'm after.
B: But that's just the sort of thing that makes some people feel, myself included, that you are trying to hide your own homosexual tendencies.
K.C.: If that is the case, then this interview is OVER!

Cuccinelli then, with great machismo, snuffed out his Virginia Slim in the ashtray and stormed down the hall, the squeak of his leather chaps rubbing together slowly fading into the distance.

Bachman's SOTU rebuttal: "It was all ebonics to me."

     Looking somewhat like a distracted raccoon Michelle Bachman gave the official Tea Party response to the president's State of the Union address last night. Exuding righteous indignation and disgust for the president's message, Ms. Bachman was surprisingly short on the specifics of what the president said that filled her with such acrimony. She blamed this on not understanding him. "The liberals and socialists out there would have you believe that he is so eloquent and such a powerful speaker. That is just left wing propaganda. I saw his lips moving, but it was all ebonics to me. Now I'm not a racist, but am I the only one that felt like I was listening to Uncle Remus? I couldn't understand a word of it. All I got from it was that he never showed his birth certificate during the speech. That spoke volumes to me."
     Rather than attacking what the president said Bachman instead used the platform to push the Tea Party's, and her own, agenda. "If a Tea Bagger such as myself were running this country there would be millions of new jobs. New jobs for bonnet makers. New jobs for blacksmiths. New jobs for telegraph operators. The whole butter churn production industry would be turned around, not to mention the Pony Express. And nothing will cut down our dependence on foreign oil like the resurgence of the horse and buggy. And as far as alternative energy sources, Tea Party scientologists are working night and day to figure out how to harness a huge untapped American resource. If we can capture the energy from the burning all the textbooks that teach evolution we can rule the world!"
     Bachman also intimated her plans for the next election. "I haven't really asked her, but I think a Bachman/Palin ticket could make some big noise. Just think about it. 'Two girls, one teacup'. It's got a nice ring to it. Sarah and I could take the Tea Party principles and chew them up a little bit, pass them back and forth, and then drop them on the country. These ideals will fertilize economic growth and restore the country to what it used to be."

With Hummers no longer in production sales of Extenze and Enzyte soar.

     General Motors discontinued the Hummer line of cars last year, with the last vehicle rolling off the assembly line in May of 2010. As the readily available inventory has been depleted experts had expected sales of other large vehicles, such as the Chevy Suburban and the Ford F350 pickup, to fill the void. Surprising car dealers, but not psychologists, the money not spent on Hummers has instead filled the coffers of Enzyte, Extenze, and other male enhancement "drugs". One person who made the switch to purchasing enhancers is Jimmy Ray Wiley, a construction worker from Texas. "I had been savin' for months to buy the biggest Hummer I could, on accounts of the fact I ain't got no trunk in my junk. It's a secret amongst men that that a really big car can compensate for havin' a small package. And a Hummer being the biggest car out there can more than make up for poor endowment. Fortunately, women don't know this secret and when they sees a guy drivin' a giant vehicle they automatically think the dude is packin' an anaconda. Since I can't get me a Hummer I thought I'd put myself right in the horse's mouth and try to fix my junk. I figure I got $58,000 to now spend on them pills. And if that don't work, well, I don't know. Maybe I can put on some bronzer and try to become Speaker of the House."
     Psychologist Bulow Von Claus is not surprised by the switch. "Zee hummer iz very difficult to replace as far as a vehicle being an imaginary male apeendage. It iz very large, very masculine, and most weemen are uncomfortable driving it because of its girth. Even zee name Hummer has sexual overtones. No other car in zee market compares to zee sexy maleness, so now zee men must turn to enhancement drugs."
     One Italian automaker is trying to pick up the Hummer customers left behind. It has designed a new sports car that is low and wide in the back, with fat rear tires that are covered with synthetic black hair. It is long and lean in the front with a tubelike hood and can go from zero to 60 to reverse to 60 again in 15 seconds. Only time will tell if the Lamborghini Fellatio will be able to fill the void.

Palin: "Not crosshairs on map, just areas of 4G coverage for my smart phone."

Sarah Palin was on the defensive today, attempting to diminish some of the criticism that has come her way since the shootings in Arizona. Speaking through her interpreter Glenn Beck, she said that people had misperceived what she was trying to convey on her now famous "bulls eye" map. "Those aren't crosshairs on the map! Those are areas where I get 4G coverage for my phone! I know I referred to them as bulls eyes before, but I meant it like 'I get great phone reception here. Bulls eye!' Here in Alaska that's how we talk. But I guess you liberal elites wouldn't know anything about how us common folk conversate."
     Palin also addressed some of the other inflammatory rhetoric that has come from her and her party.
 "When I said 'don't retreat, reload' I wasn't talking about guns. I was talking about a washing machine! 'Let's put on some fresh clean clothes and try harder.' I know I always feel energized when my clothes have that fresh-from-the-dryer feeling. Especially when I use that new Freedom-scented Downy. All this gun talk is just silly. And Sharron Angle has taken some heat for talking about '2nd amendment remedies.' To be honest, some of the Tea Partiers really weren't all that up to snuff with their constitution. She thought Obamacare was the 2nd amendment. She just wanted everyone to get a free checkup. She's a sweetheart like that."
     Palin did acknowledge that language of violence should be toned down in politics. "There's no place for talk of harm or threats or violence. You best believe I'll be keeping people who spew that kind of venom in my crosshairs."

Editors note- Is Sarah Palin in any way responsible for the shooting? No. Did the vitriol of the right spur this man on to violence? It's possible, but I doubt it. He is obviously delusional and unbalanced and paranoid, and he appears to have a four year old grudge against the senator for some perceived wrongdoing. His intent to kill was motivated by his own sickness, not talking heads. As much as people such as myself would like to be able to blame this tragedy on the hate that is spewed by some people on the right it is wrong and unfair to do so. The blame lies solely with the gunman.
     I do find it interesting how defensive the right has been. When people have spoken of the vitriol and hate speech, such as the Pima County sheriff did, there has been no party affiliation attached to it. But the stone throwers seem to know who they are and become aggressively defensive, even though no one has accused them. I have heard people defend Sarah Palin and Sharron Angle and others who have not just crossed the line but obliterated it so there is nothing that is too inflammatory, too incendiary, too vitriolic to say. They claim freedom of speech,  that this country was founded on discontent and anger, and the ability to voice anger is necessary for good government. They are right. Absolutely right. But as a civilized nation there is a right way to do things, a better way to convey ideas and ideals. Stop the bulls eyes. Stop the threats. Stop publishing addresses of those who didn't vote a certain way. Stop inciting paranoia. None of those things caused the Arizona shooting, but that doesn't make them right. Most importantly, stop the shouting, nobody listens when you're shouting. Just talk. And maybe listen.

Bristol Palin claims she became pregnant after getting "poked" on Facebook

    Bristol Palin, the unwed mother blissfully unaware of the irony of her abstinence campaign, claims she became pregnant after her then boyfriend Levi Johnston "poked" her repeatedly on Facebook. Palin was speaking to the Greater Alaska Young Republicans Against Practically Everything when she told her cautionary tale about mixing sexuality and technology.
    "We was just chatting on Facebook and Levi claims his finger slipped. I don't know if he meant to poke me or not, but he acted all sorry about it until I told him I liked it. I told him I wanted him to do it again. Soon we weren't even chatting anymore, we would just log on and poke each other over and over. I knew it was wrong, but that was part of the thrill. Mama Grizzly was too busy inventing death panels to stop me, and I was too full of her "worry about the consequences of your actions later" D.N.A. to stop myself. I did try to be safe, at least. I had a firewall, and I made sure Levi had a firewall too. It just shows you you can never be safe enough. Not only did I become pregnant but Levi got a virus."
    The hushed crowd of white teens and parents looked stricken at the revelations.
     "You think you're safe. You think it can't happen to you. But then it does. I knew the minute I got that last poke that I was pregnant. I could just tell. I burst into tears and told Levi we had to stop, but it was already too late. He comforted me by holding me tightly in his arms against his unprotected penis. He was so brave for me, the way he kept pulling me against him..."
     Palin fought to keep her composure as a tear ran down her face.
     "So the only way to be completely safe is to have no contact between the sexes until they are ready to breed. My Mom is even going to use that as a campaign slo....ahem, I mean my Mom agrees with me. And she would have been here with me today, but she's in Arkansas figuring out what voodoo curse Obama used to kill all those birds."