Blargle interviews Cuccinelli: "When did you realize you were gay?"

     On Friday Virginia's Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli floated the idea that Virginia could "raise, equip and fund an independent Virginia militia entirely from state revenues." (Washington Post-1/28/10) in order to bypass the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. He would rather spend state money to supplant the National Guard than to allow homosexuals to serve in his state. Soon after he made this statement he sat down with Blargle for this exclusive interview.

Blargle: When did you realize you were gay?
Ken Cuccinelli: I'm not gay. Never have been gay. Never will be gay. Why? Did somebody tell you I'm gay? They're lying. I am soooo not gay.
B: O.K. We get the point. But why have you displayed such animus to the homosexual community?
K.C.: Animals? Who said anything about animals? I have never mentioned animals, and if anyone said anything about me and animals they're lying. I have never mentioned gerbils or hamsters or stallions or any other creature. You have no photographic proof.
B: Not animals, sir. Animus. Why do you have such hatred for gays?
K.C.: I don't hate gays. That's my God's job. No, I don't hate them, but I will admit some of them make me very uncomfortable, especially the butch men. The tall ones with dark hair who are all oiled up in their leather vests and tight shorts, the ones that look like they could just jump off the pages of the magazine and, well, ...lets just say it is that discomfort that has lead to many of my initiatives. If they can make a straight man such as myself feel that tingly/queasy, I can only imagine the harm they could do to the children and others of our great state.
B: Speaking of your initiatives, there does seem to be a pattern of targeting the gay citizens of Virginia. Removing the protected class status of state workers, attempting to make all public universities in Virginia do the same, trying to cover up the breast of Lady Liberty, and now this. What motivates you?
K.C.: How was the Lady Liberty thing anti-gay?
B: It isn't. We just still can't get over how small minded that is so we like to bring it up as much as possible. But really, what motivates you?
K.C.: Well my first consideration is the citizens of our great state. I want Virginia to be known as the un-gayest state in America. And I want to be known as the un-gayest attorney general in America. When people mention my name I want them to say "Wow. That Ken Cuccinelli sure is not gay. He is the straightest, most not attracted to members of the same sex guy in the world." That's all I'm after.
B: But that's just the sort of thing that makes some people feel, myself included, that you are trying to hide your own homosexual tendencies.
K.C.: If that is the case, then this interview is OVER!

Cuccinelli then, with great machismo, snuffed out his Virginia Slim in the ashtray and stormed down the hall, the squeak of his leather chaps rubbing together slowly fading into the distance.