With Hummers no longer in production sales of Extenze and Enzyte soar.

     General Motors discontinued the Hummer line of cars last year, with the last vehicle rolling off the assembly line in May of 2010. As the readily available inventory has been depleted experts had expected sales of other large vehicles, such as the Chevy Suburban and the Ford F350 pickup, to fill the void. Surprising car dealers, but not psychologists, the money not spent on Hummers has instead filled the coffers of Enzyte, Extenze, and other male enhancement "drugs". One person who made the switch to purchasing enhancers is Jimmy Ray Wiley, a construction worker from Texas. "I had been savin' for months to buy the biggest Hummer I could, on accounts of the fact I ain't got no trunk in my junk. It's a secret amongst men that that a really big car can compensate for havin' a small package. And a Hummer being the biggest car out there can more than make up for poor endowment. Fortunately, women don't know this secret and when they sees a guy drivin' a giant vehicle they automatically think the dude is packin' an anaconda. Since I can't get me a Hummer I thought I'd put myself right in the horse's mouth and try to fix my junk. I figure I got $58,000 to now spend on them pills. And if that don't work, well, I don't know. Maybe I can put on some bronzer and try to become Speaker of the House."
     Psychologist Bulow Von Claus is not surprised by the switch. "Zee hummer iz very difficult to replace as far as a vehicle being an imaginary male apeendage. It iz very large, very masculine, and most weemen are uncomfortable driving it because of its girth. Even zee name Hummer has sexual overtones. No other car in zee market compares to zee sexy maleness, so now zee men must turn to enhancement drugs."
     One Italian automaker is trying to pick up the Hummer customers left behind. It has designed a new sports car that is low and wide in the back, with fat rear tires that are covered with synthetic black hair. It is long and lean in the front with a tubelike hood and can go from zero to 60 to reverse to 60 again in 15 seconds. Only time will tell if the Lamborghini Fellatio will be able to fill the void.

Palin: "Not crosshairs on map, just areas of 4G coverage for my smart phone."

Sarah Palin was on the defensive today, attempting to diminish some of the criticism that has come her way since the shootings in Arizona. Speaking through her interpreter Glenn Beck, she said that people had misperceived what she was trying to convey on her now famous "bulls eye" map. "Those aren't crosshairs on the map! Those are areas where I get 4G coverage for my phone! I know I referred to them as bulls eyes before, but I meant it like 'I get great phone reception here. Bulls eye!' Here in Alaska that's how we talk. But I guess you liberal elites wouldn't know anything about how us common folk conversate."
     Palin also addressed some of the other inflammatory rhetoric that has come from her and her party.
 "When I said 'don't retreat, reload' I wasn't talking about guns. I was talking about a washing machine! 'Let's put on some fresh clean clothes and try harder.' I know I always feel energized when my clothes have that fresh-from-the-dryer feeling. Especially when I use that new Freedom-scented Downy. All this gun talk is just silly. And Sharron Angle has taken some heat for talking about '2nd amendment remedies.' To be honest, some of the Tea Partiers really weren't all that up to snuff with their constitution. She thought Obamacare was the 2nd amendment. She just wanted everyone to get a free checkup. She's a sweetheart like that."
     Palin did acknowledge that language of violence should be toned down in politics. "There's no place for talk of harm or threats or violence. You best believe I'll be keeping people who spew that kind of venom in my crosshairs."

Editors note- Is Sarah Palin in any way responsible for the shooting? No. Did the vitriol of the right spur this man on to violence? It's possible, but I doubt it. He is obviously delusional and unbalanced and paranoid, and he appears to have a four year old grudge against the senator for some perceived wrongdoing. His intent to kill was motivated by his own sickness, not talking heads. As much as people such as myself would like to be able to blame this tragedy on the hate that is spewed by some people on the right it is wrong and unfair to do so. The blame lies solely with the gunman.
     I do find it interesting how defensive the right has been. When people have spoken of the vitriol and hate speech, such as the Pima County sheriff did, there has been no party affiliation attached to it. But the stone throwers seem to know who they are and become aggressively defensive, even though no one has accused them. I have heard people defend Sarah Palin and Sharron Angle and others who have not just crossed the line but obliterated it so there is nothing that is too inflammatory, too incendiary, too vitriolic to say. They claim freedom of speech,  that this country was founded on discontent and anger, and the ability to voice anger is necessary for good government. They are right. Absolutely right. But as a civilized nation there is a right way to do things, a better way to convey ideas and ideals. Stop the bulls eyes. Stop the threats. Stop publishing addresses of those who didn't vote a certain way. Stop inciting paranoia. None of those things caused the Arizona shooting, but that doesn't make them right. Most importantly, stop the shouting, nobody listens when you're shouting. Just talk. And maybe listen.

Bristol Palin claims she became pregnant after getting "poked" on Facebook

    Bristol Palin, the unwed mother blissfully unaware of the irony of her abstinence campaign, claims she became pregnant after her then boyfriend Levi Johnston "poked" her repeatedly on Facebook. Palin was speaking to the Greater Alaska Young Republicans Against Practically Everything when she told her cautionary tale about mixing sexuality and technology.
    "We was just chatting on Facebook and Levi claims his finger slipped. I don't know if he meant to poke me or not, but he acted all sorry about it until I told him I liked it. I told him I wanted him to do it again. Soon we weren't even chatting anymore, we would just log on and poke each other over and over. I knew it was wrong, but that was part of the thrill. Mama Grizzly was too busy inventing death panels to stop me, and I was too full of her "worry about the consequences of your actions later" D.N.A. to stop myself. I did try to be safe, at least. I had a firewall, and I made sure Levi had a firewall too. It just shows you you can never be safe enough. Not only did I become pregnant but Levi got a virus."
    The hushed crowd of white teens and parents looked stricken at the revelations.
     "You think you're safe. You think it can't happen to you. But then it does. I knew the minute I got that last poke that I was pregnant. I could just tell. I burst into tears and told Levi we had to stop, but it was already too late. He comforted me by holding me tightly in his arms against his unprotected penis. He was so brave for me, the way he kept pulling me against him..."
     Palin fought to keep her composure as a tear ran down her face.
     "So the only way to be completely safe is to have no contact between the sexes until they are ready to breed. My Mom is even going to use that as a campaign slo....ahem, I mean my Mom agrees with me. And she would have been here with me today, but she's in Arkansas figuring out what voodoo curse Obama used to kill all those birds."

G.O.P. filibusters own vote on whether to change nickname to "The Party Of No"

Republican leaders seemed shocked today when members of their own ranks filibustered their clubhouse vote on whether to change their nickname to "the party of no."  John Boehner was visibly upset, his complexion changing from sienna to burnt sienna as he chastised the "rebels" within his party. Mitch McConnell's expression was so tense that it almost appeared as if his skin was no longer sliding off his face, though he downplayed the setback, referring to it as "only a speed bump on the superhighway to Nobamaland."
   The filibuster was a three-pronged attack, headed by John McCain. McCain had said he would only vote for the name change if more than 80% of republicans agreed to it. When early polls showed over 90% agreed, McCain said he thought the polling was flawed. When he received a letter signed by 95% of both house and senate republicans stating they wanted the name change McCain decided to filibuster the vote "until more studies, not just of current republicans, but of future generations, can be completed in a manner that reaches a conclusion that agrees with my personal prejudices." Ironically, the motion for the name change was authored by McCain.
    Eric Cantor of Virginia backed McCain on the filibuster, but for different reasons. "I agree with the name change, but the voters put me in Washington for a reason. I am here to throw sand in the gears of government, to make sure nothing gets done while that very urban president is in office. I agree with the new name. My associates agree with it. The overwhelming majority of my constituents agree with it. This filibuster is not about what should or should not happen. It's a demonstration of how a micro-minority with its own agenda can stop anything it wants to, for whatever reason- real or fabricated. It's what my public pays me to do. It's what my Lipton-drinking fan base expects of me."
    Dan Issa of California was the only other republican who supported the filibuster. "I agree with the name change 100%, but I cannot vote with a clear conscience with all the riders they have attached to it. And actually I support all of the riders, but it's nice to look like you're standing up to 'business as usual.' The voters really seem to get off on that."
     Several riders had been added the vote. There was a proposition nominating Julian Assange as head of Obama's personal secret service detail, the "No Millionaire Left Behind" tax loophole bill, and the "Merde Act",  which would take underperforming American students who did not go on to college or join the military and deport them to Mexico while stripping them of their citizenship.

Palin outraged: "Jennifer Grey, show us your birth certificate!"

     When Jennifer Grey was crowned champion of Dancing With The Stars last week there was a huge sigh of relief from much of the country. For Bristol Palin fans, however, and her mother, there were shrieks of disappointment which have now turned to cries of "cheater." Bristol's fans, known as The B. Party, are disputing the results of the show for reasons ranging from "voter irregularity" to whether Grey should have been allowed on the show to begin with. "We have several problems with the way the votes were tabulated," said B Party spokesperson Susan Angle. "We feel there was a large group of, how shall I put this nicely?... unregistered burrito types who voted for her just because Patrick Swayze is a god in Mexico. She was also popular among the prison population, "Dirty Dancing" is the closest thing to porn they can watch in lockup, and as we all know felons aren't allowed to vote in the United States. For anything. Ever. If we could throw out all the votes from the illegals and the cons and, for good measure, the gays, I know Bristol would be the champ."
   Sarah Palin, Bristol's mother and the former 1/2 governor of Alaska, had her own spin as to why her daughter should have won. "She claims to be from New York," said Palin during an episode of her Discovery Channel campaign commercial. "Then why does she spell her name G-R-E-Y? That sounds awful European to me. That ain't no American spelling I know. If you claim you're American you better start spelling American. Know what I mean?" Palin then winked and fired a shotgun at a passing squirrel. "She claims she's one of "us". Well why hasn't she shown us her birth certificate? How come we've never run in to her at church? I've never even seen her drink a beer. She's not qualified to be America's champion. Maybe Finland's champion, or some other place where they all get nose jobs and spell their name wrong, but not my America. She should resign, or abdicate, or whatever they do where she's from." Palin stroked the shaft of her shotgun lovingly. "I would hate for someone to have to take 2nd amendment actions to rectify this injustice." Palin turned toward a nearby barn that had a lifesize cutout of Grey leaning against it and raised her shotgun. "Dance for me now, you foreign faker!" shouted Palin as she calmly fired, blowing off the cutout's right leg. Palin then turned her head to the camera, smiled, and winked. "Nobody puts MY baby in the corner," she purred, firing once more, blowing off Grey's head.

Tea Party realizes "Tea Bagger" has dirty sexual overtones, changes nickname to "Salad Tossers"

Members of the Tea Party have referred to themselves as "Tea Baggers" almost since the inception of the fledgling movement, apparently oblivious of its reference to sexual act that many of the Tea Partiers themselves would consider depraved. As of this weekend, however, it appears that someone in the party read a men's magazine, or maybe watched some Cinemax, and became aware of what "tea bagging" entails. After holding an emergency all day meeting on Saturday, it was announced on Sunday that from now on they would refer to themselves as "Salad Tossers".
     "We was always wondering what the snickering was about," said Tea Party spokesman Eustis Gibber. "Once we found out about the sexual connotations we knew we had to change the name pronto. We debated a lot of possibilities but finally settled on 'Salad Tossers' because we are grassroots, we're earthy, and we like to mix things up. Some people didn't like that name at first, and we almost split into different factions over it, but in the end we stayed united. As one united group we know we can still toss America's salad."
    When asked about the possible factions Gibber refused comment, but others that were in the closed door sessions were more forthcoming. "It was a madhouse in there. Everyone wanted to change the name of the whole movement just to match their agenda," said an official who wished to remain anonymous. " The Ohioans, angry at their high unemployment, wanted 'Cleveland Steamers'. The Freedom of Speech crusaders, angry about the Rick Sanchez firing, wanted 'The Dirty Sanchez'. The religious ones wanted 'The Glory Whole'. Pennsylvanians wanted 'Hershey Highway'. And Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman almost won with 'Two Girls, One Coup'."
   

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rendered obsolete by Army's new VIPIR Gaydar

Menlo Park- Army neuroscientists, working closely with a team of T.V. station staff meteorologists, have unveiled what they call the world's first VIPIR Gaydar. "We are very excited about this," said Army spokesperson Terry Stuart. "Our years of research have finally paid off." The device, referred to as V.G., is able to detect the subtle difference in the part of the brain that the Army scientists refer to as the "gay matter". This part of the brain, which this reporter will not even attempt to spell, is located in the hypothalmus and is larger in people that consider themselves homosexual. "In my opinion this is the part of the brain that hates God, and it becomes swollen when a man makes the decision that he would rather seek the embraces of another seed loader, rather than a God-intended egg bearer," said Stuart. "We make passes over the entire platoon and just look for the little blip on the screen. It's almost like a video game, 'cept I can't shoot 'em. We just snap their photo and start the paperwork to get them the hell out of my army." Stuart pointed to a large bulletin board that had 2 dozen photos of individual soldiers doing drills, obviously unaware they were being photographed. "I love this machine. Used to be there was nothing I could do, even when you could smell the Bette Midler just drippin' off of them. We don't need these these perversions prancing around in well muscled tank tops and camo pants distracting me or my men." Stuart paused, and stared intently at the board. He let out a long breath and closed his eyes. "It just makes me feel so good," he said softly, "looking at all these Privates. Imagining all these young men's discharges."
     The device had been in design stages for years, but was actually able to come to fruition after large financial donations from John McCain, the Westboro Baptist Church, and the disingenuously named "Center for Homosexual Fairness", which is actually an ultraconservative PAC named by Karl Rove.