"Santorum Surges From Behind In Iowa"

     Rick Santorum, who has been polling in the rear for much of his campaign, has seen a bump in his numbers over the past week. His ultraconservative values and his impassioned, frothy speeches seem to giving him some headway in Iowa. We have excerpts from many of the stumps he's given on the campaign trail.

On his recent surge- "We didn't take a break over the holiday. I love all the holiday galas in D.C. this time of year, but we just stayed focused. There were nights that we could hardly get into R.N.C. headquarters because of all the parties going on. As much as I hated to, I skipped the balls and slipped my staff in the back door."
On Newt Gingrich- "Newt and his tawdry affairs have tainted the G.O.P. image. My devout Christian values and, hopefully, my prayers, will help us overcome this stigma. I pray for it every night, and every time I drop to my knees I imagine moving beyond Newt's taint."
On Welfare- "Americans have become afraid of hard work. We have to overcome this. We all need to be willing to get down on all fours and do whatever needs to be done. It may seem painful at first, but once you get used to it you can actually find pleasure at how sore you are in the end."
On Rick Perry's brief surge- "I warned Rick to not talk so much once he started becoming popular. Talking has never been his strong suit. I told him 'You keep keep flapping your jaw like that then don't be surprised when this explodes in your face'. My uncle gave me that advice when I was a boy, and it still holds true."
On Campaigning In New York- "What a great city! I really like Manhattan a lot, but I have to confess, I really love me some Queens."
On His New Semi-frontrunner Status- "I know that the people I am now ahead of will throw everything they can at me. It may get ugly, but I expect it, it's how these things work. It's like I always say 'I don't mind taking a pounding as long as it's from someone behind me.'"
On Trimming The Budget- "We need to make some deep cuts, but we just have to be smart about it. For example, when I was supreme leader of Pennsylvania we were able to cut several million dollars from the department of transportation, with no visible effect to our interstate roadways, which are some of the most beautiful in the country. If you're ever up around my neighborhood I would like to invite you to drive up the Hershey Highway. It's an experience you'll never forget, and it would give me more pleasure than you know."

Obama's Favorite Christmas Carol

It's beginning to look a lot like Gingrich

Everywhere they poll

He surged past poor Rom-ney

To be the nominee

To take those lazy people off the dole

It's beginning to look a lot like Gingrich

All over my TV

He won every debate

By masking all his hate

And not forgetting how to count to three

Ahead of Santorum and Perry, those guys who hate fairys

Beating Bachmann, oh rejoice

He jumped over Ron Paul, it's not hard, he's not tall

And no one hears his voice

For those resolute but not astute Newt is the only choice

They're beginning to overlook his mistress

Both of them it seems

They believe his fidelity now

He took a written vow

And no one wants him even in his wildest dreams

Forget his disgrace, he's winning the race

Without any ethical worryin'

"I don't really lobby, it's only a hobby

That pays for my DeLorean

And Fannie Mae, what can I say, I was only the historian"

(repeat)

Mitt Romney Surges to GOP Lead After Naming AIDS as His Running Mate

     Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney has finally energized the Republican base by announcing that AIDS would be his running mate. The move, heralded by strategists as "so obvious, yet so brilliant", is expected to offset the albatross of "Romneycare", which the other GOP candidates have feasted on during the debates. Romney has faced a huge backlash from nearly the entire Republican party for causing his state the embarrassment of having the highest percentage of residents with health insurance, and he has been labeled by debate attendees as being "soft" on premature death. AIDS should help balance the ticket, and the poll numbers are reflecting that.
     "I think he has just sewn up the nomination," said Karl Rove on Fox News. "At first blush it sounds crazy, but when you think about it AIDS appeals to such a broad swath of Republicans. It goes after drug addicts, and not the Limbaugh-esque ones, just the needle addicts, and we're all for that. It attacks homosexuals, which appeals to the Religious Right. It's a death sentence that has killed WAY more people than Rick Perry, so you can expect some defectors from his camp. And, of all the people all over the world that AIDS has killed in the past decade, most of them were black and did not even know how to speak English, so the Tea Party is behind it 100%. In fact, I overheard one saying Romney's only problem now is avoiding "second amendment remedies" from those who think AIDS should be president. He's a lock for the nomination."
     Understandably, the other candidates tried to downplay how bleak their chances had become. Rick Perry, stumping in Alabama, tried to stay focused on his message of "taking America back to a simpler time and place." Perry then lost focus and could not name the simpler time or place, but one would guess from his hairstyle the set of a 1970s porn movie. When pressed for a reaction to Romney's announcement Perry stumbled over his words, finally blurting out that there were more scientists every day that believed AIDS was a myth, and he wasn't afraid of anything that couldn't be proven. Michelle Bachmann took the news head on, calling a press conference where she noted that AIDS was often found lurking in GAY bars, and was well known in the gay community. "Sure, it 'attacks' them. But do you know the route that it takes?" She then showed several very graphic slides that caused everyone but her husband to look away.
     Jon Huntsman, in an interview with Newsweek, lauded the bravery of the choice, and heaped praise on the new V.P. candidate. He then wondered aloud if there was such a thing as a vice president's vice president. Ron Paul said something about it, but no one was paying any attention. Most of the remaining candidates were mum on the subject, trying to "global warm" it away by pretending it didn't exist. Newt Gingrich, however, called a joint press conference with Donald Trump. "If I am not mistaken," began Gingrich rather smugly, "AIDS is from AFRICA!" "Kinda like somebody else I know," interjected Trump from beside the podium. "So let's just see if the proper documentation can be produced that says AIDS is even eligible for office before we get all worked up."
     The will-she-or-won't-she semi candidate Sarah Palin was, unfortunately, unavailable for comment. According to her assistant she was at a "strategic luncheon" with Sickle Cell Anemia.

    

"History Minute" with Sarah Palin

 I can't express how important Estelle Getty's Burg address is to me. It's where she, uh, drove her car, ya know, a Lincoln, 4 doors and 7 gears, ya know, to bring an end to gayery in all 9 colonies. I know my history!

Khadafy and Charlie Sheen inked to costar in Al Jazeera sitcom.

     The Al Jazeera television network announced today that it would start producing its first situation comedy, and they had signed Mouammar Khadafi and Charlie Sheen as its leading men. This press release was sent to all the major wire services today:
     What happens when a deposed dictator with a quick temper but a heart of gold is forced to move in with a former star actor with a coke problem? That's right. Hilarity! These two will constantly be butting heads over everything from religion to culture to "whose turn is it to buy weed?". When you take the zany antics of Khadafi and add the gravitas of Sheen you know this show can't help but be a huge hit. Of course we will also have special guest stars including Mubarak, who plays "the other dictator down the hall" and John Boehner as the "crusty but lovable landlord". Production of the as yet untitled sitcom is set to begin next month..."
     Qhadafi is set to play a deposed dictator in exile with a last name that is impossible to misspell. Sheen will play a former star who is in exile from Hollywood when his career implodes after stints in jail, rehab, and the hospital, and whose very public meltdown makes him virtually unemployable. Sheen says his character is "very loosely based" on Lindsay Lohan.
      Both men are very excited to work with each other. Said Ghadafi "I can't wait to work with him. He is an amazing actor and, more importantly, if you put Charlie and I in a room together and someone else walks in... I am no longer the craziest person in the room! My Allah! Do you know how long it's been since I wasn't the craziest person in the room? Not since college. If people see me next to him all the time it will only make me seem more and more sane. 'Tiger blood powers'? More like bat shit crazy! And the more stable I appear the more it will help in court during my custody battle for Libya."
      Sheen was equally excited. "This may be the one other human whose charisma wattage is close to mine. The blood flow to his brain is like an antelope on fire with steroids. I think we will understand each other the way no other humans can understand us. Plus, he can score the most amazing cocaine. You want good blow? The best in the world? Other than Pablo Escobar nobody on the planet has better stuff than Q'Dhafi. It makes the best stuff I ever scored in L.A. look like a homeless orphan beaten to death with the bloody stump of a Gulf war vet with a lazy eye and hepatitis. Know what I mean?"
     Producers hope to add the show this fall to their "Must See (or we will come to your house and stone your children) Thursday" lineup. The show has not been named yet, but possible working titles include "Mo' Mar, Mo' Problems", "Two And A Half Yemen", Shiite My Dad Says", "The Oil And The Sheen", and "Manics". The first episodes will revolve around Charlie always doing something to make his new roommate go crazy. In the pilot episode Mouammar comes back from the store to find out that, thanks to Charlie, none of his 18 virgin female bodyguards are virgins anymore. Upcoming episodes include one where Charlie ransacks Momar's wardrobe so he and his children can dress like the members of The Village People, and another where Charlie doesn't want to be roommates anymore when he realizes Mouammar was not the supreme ruler of labia.

    

Blargle interviews Cuccinelli: "When did you realize you were gay?"

     On Friday Virginia's Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli floated the idea that Virginia could "raise, equip and fund an independent Virginia militia entirely from state revenues." (Washington Post-1/28/10) in order to bypass the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. He would rather spend state money to supplant the National Guard than to allow homosexuals to serve in his state. Soon after he made this statement he sat down with Blargle for this exclusive interview.

Blargle: When did you realize you were gay?
Ken Cuccinelli: I'm not gay. Never have been gay. Never will be gay. Why? Did somebody tell you I'm gay? They're lying. I am soooo not gay.
B: O.K. We get the point. But why have you displayed such animus to the homosexual community?
K.C.: Animals? Who said anything about animals? I have never mentioned animals, and if anyone said anything about me and animals they're lying. I have never mentioned gerbils or hamsters or stallions or any other creature. You have no photographic proof.
B: Not animals, sir. Animus. Why do you have such hatred for gays?
K.C.: I don't hate gays. That's my God's job. No, I don't hate them, but I will admit some of them make me very uncomfortable, especially the butch men. The tall ones with dark hair who are all oiled up in their leather vests and tight shorts, the ones that look like they could just jump off the pages of the magazine and, well, ...lets just say it is that discomfort that has lead to many of my initiatives. If they can make a straight man such as myself feel that tingly/queasy, I can only imagine the harm they could do to the children and others of our great state.
B: Speaking of your initiatives, there does seem to be a pattern of targeting the gay citizens of Virginia. Removing the protected class status of state workers, attempting to make all public universities in Virginia do the same, trying to cover up the breast of Lady Liberty, and now this. What motivates you?
K.C.: How was the Lady Liberty thing anti-gay?
B: It isn't. We just still can't get over how small minded that is so we like to bring it up as much as possible. But really, what motivates you?
K.C.: Well my first consideration is the citizens of our great state. I want Virginia to be known as the un-gayest state in America. And I want to be known as the un-gayest attorney general in America. When people mention my name I want them to say "Wow. That Ken Cuccinelli sure is not gay. He is the straightest, most not attracted to members of the same sex guy in the world." That's all I'm after.
B: But that's just the sort of thing that makes some people feel, myself included, that you are trying to hide your own homosexual tendencies.
K.C.: If that is the case, then this interview is OVER!

Cuccinelli then, with great machismo, snuffed out his Virginia Slim in the ashtray and stormed down the hall, the squeak of his leather chaps rubbing together slowly fading into the distance.

Bachman's SOTU rebuttal: "It was all ebonics to me."

     Looking somewhat like a distracted raccoon Michelle Bachman gave the official Tea Party response to the president's State of the Union address last night. Exuding righteous indignation and disgust for the president's message, Ms. Bachman was surprisingly short on the specifics of what the president said that filled her with such acrimony. She blamed this on not understanding him. "The liberals and socialists out there would have you believe that he is so eloquent and such a powerful speaker. That is just left wing propaganda. I saw his lips moving, but it was all ebonics to me. Now I'm not a racist, but am I the only one that felt like I was listening to Uncle Remus? I couldn't understand a word of it. All I got from it was that he never showed his birth certificate during the speech. That spoke volumes to me."
     Rather than attacking what the president said Bachman instead used the platform to push the Tea Party's, and her own, agenda. "If a Tea Bagger such as myself were running this country there would be millions of new jobs. New jobs for bonnet makers. New jobs for blacksmiths. New jobs for telegraph operators. The whole butter churn production industry would be turned around, not to mention the Pony Express. And nothing will cut down our dependence on foreign oil like the resurgence of the horse and buggy. And as far as alternative energy sources, Tea Party scientologists are working night and day to figure out how to harness a huge untapped American resource. If we can capture the energy from the burning all the textbooks that teach evolution we can rule the world!"
     Bachman also intimated her plans for the next election. "I haven't really asked her, but I think a Bachman/Palin ticket could make some big noise. Just think about it. 'Two girls, one teacup'. It's got a nice ring to it. Sarah and I could take the Tea Party principles and chew them up a little bit, pass them back and forth, and then drop them on the country. These ideals will fertilize economic growth and restore the country to what it used to be."

With Hummers no longer in production sales of Extenze and Enzyte soar.

     General Motors discontinued the Hummer line of cars last year, with the last vehicle rolling off the assembly line in May of 2010. As the readily available inventory has been depleted experts had expected sales of other large vehicles, such as the Chevy Suburban and the Ford F350 pickup, to fill the void. Surprising car dealers, but not psychologists, the money not spent on Hummers has instead filled the coffers of Enzyte, Extenze, and other male enhancement "drugs". One person who made the switch to purchasing enhancers is Jimmy Ray Wiley, a construction worker from Texas. "I had been savin' for months to buy the biggest Hummer I could, on accounts of the fact I ain't got no trunk in my junk. It's a secret amongst men that that a really big car can compensate for havin' a small package. And a Hummer being the biggest car out there can more than make up for poor endowment. Fortunately, women don't know this secret and when they sees a guy drivin' a giant vehicle they automatically think the dude is packin' an anaconda. Since I can't get me a Hummer I thought I'd put myself right in the horse's mouth and try to fix my junk. I figure I got $58,000 to now spend on them pills. And if that don't work, well, I don't know. Maybe I can put on some bronzer and try to become Speaker of the House."
     Psychologist Bulow Von Claus is not surprised by the switch. "Zee hummer iz very difficult to replace as far as a vehicle being an imaginary male apeendage. It iz very large, very masculine, and most weemen are uncomfortable driving it because of its girth. Even zee name Hummer has sexual overtones. No other car in zee market compares to zee sexy maleness, so now zee men must turn to enhancement drugs."
     One Italian automaker is trying to pick up the Hummer customers left behind. It has designed a new sports car that is low and wide in the back, with fat rear tires that are covered with synthetic black hair. It is long and lean in the front with a tubelike hood and can go from zero to 60 to reverse to 60 again in 15 seconds. Only time will tell if the Lamborghini Fellatio will be able to fill the void.

Palin: "Not crosshairs on map, just areas of 4G coverage for my smart phone."

Sarah Palin was on the defensive today, attempting to diminish some of the criticism that has come her way since the shootings in Arizona. Speaking through her interpreter Glenn Beck, she said that people had misperceived what she was trying to convey on her now famous "bulls eye" map. "Those aren't crosshairs on the map! Those are areas where I get 4G coverage for my phone! I know I referred to them as bulls eyes before, but I meant it like 'I get great phone reception here. Bulls eye!' Here in Alaska that's how we talk. But I guess you liberal elites wouldn't know anything about how us common folk conversate."
     Palin also addressed some of the other inflammatory rhetoric that has come from her and her party.
 "When I said 'don't retreat, reload' I wasn't talking about guns. I was talking about a washing machine! 'Let's put on some fresh clean clothes and try harder.' I know I always feel energized when my clothes have that fresh-from-the-dryer feeling. Especially when I use that new Freedom-scented Downy. All this gun talk is just silly. And Sharron Angle has taken some heat for talking about '2nd amendment remedies.' To be honest, some of the Tea Partiers really weren't all that up to snuff with their constitution. She thought Obamacare was the 2nd amendment. She just wanted everyone to get a free checkup. She's a sweetheart like that."
     Palin did acknowledge that language of violence should be toned down in politics. "There's no place for talk of harm or threats or violence. You best believe I'll be keeping people who spew that kind of venom in my crosshairs."

Editors note- Is Sarah Palin in any way responsible for the shooting? No. Did the vitriol of the right spur this man on to violence? It's possible, but I doubt it. He is obviously delusional and unbalanced and paranoid, and he appears to have a four year old grudge against the senator for some perceived wrongdoing. His intent to kill was motivated by his own sickness, not talking heads. As much as people such as myself would like to be able to blame this tragedy on the hate that is spewed by some people on the right it is wrong and unfair to do so. The blame lies solely with the gunman.
     I do find it interesting how defensive the right has been. When people have spoken of the vitriol and hate speech, such as the Pima County sheriff did, there has been no party affiliation attached to it. But the stone throwers seem to know who they are and become aggressively defensive, even though no one has accused them. I have heard people defend Sarah Palin and Sharron Angle and others who have not just crossed the line but obliterated it so there is nothing that is too inflammatory, too incendiary, too vitriolic to say. They claim freedom of speech,  that this country was founded on discontent and anger, and the ability to voice anger is necessary for good government. They are right. Absolutely right. But as a civilized nation there is a right way to do things, a better way to convey ideas and ideals. Stop the bulls eyes. Stop the threats. Stop publishing addresses of those who didn't vote a certain way. Stop inciting paranoia. None of those things caused the Arizona shooting, but that doesn't make them right. Most importantly, stop the shouting, nobody listens when you're shouting. Just talk. And maybe listen.

Bristol Palin claims she became pregnant after getting "poked" on Facebook

    Bristol Palin, the unwed mother blissfully unaware of the irony of her abstinence campaign, claims she became pregnant after her then boyfriend Levi Johnston "poked" her repeatedly on Facebook. Palin was speaking to the Greater Alaska Young Republicans Against Practically Everything when she told her cautionary tale about mixing sexuality and technology.
    "We was just chatting on Facebook and Levi claims his finger slipped. I don't know if he meant to poke me or not, but he acted all sorry about it until I told him I liked it. I told him I wanted him to do it again. Soon we weren't even chatting anymore, we would just log on and poke each other over and over. I knew it was wrong, but that was part of the thrill. Mama Grizzly was too busy inventing death panels to stop me, and I was too full of her "worry about the consequences of your actions later" D.N.A. to stop myself. I did try to be safe, at least. I had a firewall, and I made sure Levi had a firewall too. It just shows you you can never be safe enough. Not only did I become pregnant but Levi got a virus."
    The hushed crowd of white teens and parents looked stricken at the revelations.
     "You think you're safe. You think it can't happen to you. But then it does. I knew the minute I got that last poke that I was pregnant. I could just tell. I burst into tears and told Levi we had to stop, but it was already too late. He comforted me by holding me tightly in his arms against his unprotected penis. He was so brave for me, the way he kept pulling me against him..."
     Palin fought to keep her composure as a tear ran down her face.
     "So the only way to be completely safe is to have no contact between the sexes until they are ready to breed. My Mom is even going to use that as a campaign slo....ahem, I mean my Mom agrees with me. And she would have been here with me today, but she's in Arkansas figuring out what voodoo curse Obama used to kill all those birds."

G.O.P. filibusters own vote on whether to change nickname to "The Party Of No"

Republican leaders seemed shocked today when members of their own ranks filibustered their clubhouse vote on whether to change their nickname to "the party of no."  John Boehner was visibly upset, his complexion changing from sienna to burnt sienna as he chastised the "rebels" within his party. Mitch McConnell's expression was so tense that it almost appeared as if his skin was no longer sliding off his face, though he downplayed the setback, referring to it as "only a speed bump on the superhighway to Nobamaland."
   The filibuster was a three-pronged attack, headed by John McCain. McCain had said he would only vote for the name change if more than 80% of republicans agreed to it. When early polls showed over 90% agreed, McCain said he thought the polling was flawed. When he received a letter signed by 95% of both house and senate republicans stating they wanted the name change McCain decided to filibuster the vote "until more studies, not just of current republicans, but of future generations, can be completed in a manner that reaches a conclusion that agrees with my personal prejudices." Ironically, the motion for the name change was authored by McCain.
    Eric Cantor of Virginia backed McCain on the filibuster, but for different reasons. "I agree with the name change, but the voters put me in Washington for a reason. I am here to throw sand in the gears of government, to make sure nothing gets done while that very urban president is in office. I agree with the new name. My associates agree with it. The overwhelming majority of my constituents agree with it. This filibuster is not about what should or should not happen. It's a demonstration of how a micro-minority with its own agenda can stop anything it wants to, for whatever reason- real or fabricated. It's what my public pays me to do. It's what my Lipton-drinking fan base expects of me."
    Dan Issa of California was the only other republican who supported the filibuster. "I agree with the name change 100%, but I cannot vote with a clear conscience with all the riders they have attached to it. And actually I support all of the riders, but it's nice to look like you're standing up to 'business as usual.' The voters really seem to get off on that."
     Several riders had been added the vote. There was a proposition nominating Julian Assange as head of Obama's personal secret service detail, the "No Millionaire Left Behind" tax loophole bill, and the "Merde Act",  which would take underperforming American students who did not go on to college or join the military and deport them to Mexico while stripping them of their citizenship.

Palin outraged: "Jennifer Grey, show us your birth certificate!"

     When Jennifer Grey was crowned champion of Dancing With The Stars last week there was a huge sigh of relief from much of the country. For Bristol Palin fans, however, and her mother, there were shrieks of disappointment which have now turned to cries of "cheater." Bristol's fans, known as The B. Party, are disputing the results of the show for reasons ranging from "voter irregularity" to whether Grey should have been allowed on the show to begin with. "We have several problems with the way the votes were tabulated," said B Party spokesperson Susan Angle. "We feel there was a large group of, how shall I put this nicely?... unregistered burrito types who voted for her just because Patrick Swayze is a god in Mexico. She was also popular among the prison population, "Dirty Dancing" is the closest thing to porn they can watch in lockup, and as we all know felons aren't allowed to vote in the United States. For anything. Ever. If we could throw out all the votes from the illegals and the cons and, for good measure, the gays, I know Bristol would be the champ."
   Sarah Palin, Bristol's mother and the former 1/2 governor of Alaska, had her own spin as to why her daughter should have won. "She claims to be from New York," said Palin during an episode of her Discovery Channel campaign commercial. "Then why does she spell her name G-R-E-Y? That sounds awful European to me. That ain't no American spelling I know. If you claim you're American you better start spelling American. Know what I mean?" Palin then winked and fired a shotgun at a passing squirrel. "She claims she's one of "us". Well why hasn't she shown us her birth certificate? How come we've never run in to her at church? I've never even seen her drink a beer. She's not qualified to be America's champion. Maybe Finland's champion, or some other place where they all get nose jobs and spell their name wrong, but not my America. She should resign, or abdicate, or whatever they do where she's from." Palin stroked the shaft of her shotgun lovingly. "I would hate for someone to have to take 2nd amendment actions to rectify this injustice." Palin turned toward a nearby barn that had a lifesize cutout of Grey leaning against it and raised her shotgun. "Dance for me now, you foreign faker!" shouted Palin as she calmly fired, blowing off the cutout's right leg. Palin then turned her head to the camera, smiled, and winked. "Nobody puts MY baby in the corner," she purred, firing once more, blowing off Grey's head.

Tea Party realizes "Tea Bagger" has dirty sexual overtones, changes nickname to "Salad Tossers"

Members of the Tea Party have referred to themselves as "Tea Baggers" almost since the inception of the fledgling movement, apparently oblivious of its reference to sexual act that many of the Tea Partiers themselves would consider depraved. As of this weekend, however, it appears that someone in the party read a men's magazine, or maybe watched some Cinemax, and became aware of what "tea bagging" entails. After holding an emergency all day meeting on Saturday, it was announced on Sunday that from now on they would refer to themselves as "Salad Tossers".
     "We was always wondering what the snickering was about," said Tea Party spokesman Eustis Gibber. "Once we found out about the sexual connotations we knew we had to change the name pronto. We debated a lot of possibilities but finally settled on 'Salad Tossers' because we are grassroots, we're earthy, and we like to mix things up. Some people didn't like that name at first, and we almost split into different factions over it, but in the end we stayed united. As one united group we know we can still toss America's salad."
    When asked about the possible factions Gibber refused comment, but others that were in the closed door sessions were more forthcoming. "It was a madhouse in there. Everyone wanted to change the name of the whole movement just to match their agenda," said an official who wished to remain anonymous. " The Ohioans, angry at their high unemployment, wanted 'Cleveland Steamers'. The Freedom of Speech crusaders, angry about the Rick Sanchez firing, wanted 'The Dirty Sanchez'. The religious ones wanted 'The Glory Whole'. Pennsylvanians wanted 'Hershey Highway'. And Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman almost won with 'Two Girls, One Coup'."
   

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rendered obsolete by Army's new VIPIR Gaydar

Menlo Park- Army neuroscientists, working closely with a team of T.V. station staff meteorologists, have unveiled what they call the world's first VIPIR Gaydar. "We are very excited about this," said Army spokesperson Terry Stuart. "Our years of research have finally paid off." The device, referred to as V.G., is able to detect the subtle difference in the part of the brain that the Army scientists refer to as the "gay matter". This part of the brain, which this reporter will not even attempt to spell, is located in the hypothalmus and is larger in people that consider themselves homosexual. "In my opinion this is the part of the brain that hates God, and it becomes swollen when a man makes the decision that he would rather seek the embraces of another seed loader, rather than a God-intended egg bearer," said Stuart. "We make passes over the entire platoon and just look for the little blip on the screen. It's almost like a video game, 'cept I can't shoot 'em. We just snap their photo and start the paperwork to get them the hell out of my army." Stuart pointed to a large bulletin board that had 2 dozen photos of individual soldiers doing drills, obviously unaware they were being photographed. "I love this machine. Used to be there was nothing I could do, even when you could smell the Bette Midler just drippin' off of them. We don't need these these perversions prancing around in well muscled tank tops and camo pants distracting me or my men." Stuart paused, and stared intently at the board. He let out a long breath and closed his eyes. "It just makes me feel so good," he said softly, "looking at all these Privates. Imagining all these young men's discharges."
     The device had been in design stages for years, but was actually able to come to fruition after large financial donations from John McCain, the Westboro Baptist Church, and the disingenuously named "Center for Homosexual Fairness", which is actually an ultraconservative PAC named by Karl Rove.

"We're #1!" Boxed wine now #1 cause of unplanned pregnancy

Statistics released from the Center For Women's Health reveal that boxed wine has has overtaken perennial favorite "youthful indiscretion" as the leading cause for unplanned pregnancy in the United States. Boxed wine makers were jubilant about taking the top spot. "Halfway through the year we were in third or fourth place," said a breathless Miles Morgan, owner of Swig It From the Spigot winery and Boxed Wine Association spokesman. "We knew we had some ground to make up, and when (Director of development) Bruce Hunter came up with 'Books On Grape' we knew we had at least a chance to make things interesting." The recently released "Books On Grape" are boxed wines that are designed to look just like a stack of books, so they blend in easily on a nightstand or a desk. "We knew once we got the wine into the bedroom it would create a petri dish of unplanned pregnancies and bad decisions. I'm just so proud of all my guys right now. We've been putting the alcohol in fetal alcohol syndrome for years, and now we have the title to prove it! Somebody get me a box of Champagne!"
     Boxed wine's surge with caucasian women 18 to 30 is what took it to the top spot. "Youthful indiscretion" was still #1 amongst teenage girls, and "f*%#ing Viagra" was the leader in women over 40. Among African American women of all age groups the #1 cause for unplanned pregnancy, for the 24th year in a row, was Barry White music.

A.M.A.: Bratz Dolls "gateway drug" to marrying men with neck tattoos

Researchers in the United States have recently discovered a surprising statistic wherein women who played with Bratz Dolls as children were 4 times more likely to marry a man with a neck tattoo, compared to those who played with Barbies or other dolls. They were also twice as likely to marry men with mullets, and 7 times more likely to have "huffed" something in order to catch a buzz. While some might call these findings shocking, Trixie LaRue, president and founder of Bratz Dolls Inc, defended her company and her dolls. "Well, at least they're getting married," said LaRue on the Howard Stern radio show. "Bratz Dolls teach 8 year olds how to catch a man. Not every girl is going to grow up to be Suzy Scientist and girls need to know there are other ways to get ahead in life besides brains. Ever since they pulled 'Stripper Barbie' off the shelves young girls have had no way to hone their feminine wiles. Before Bratz Dolls how many 6 year olds knew what thigh high leather boot were, much less how to zip one up?"
    Ms. LaRue then discussed the upcoming fall line of dolls, which included Belle Limia, "What's this sore?" Jua Q'ina, and "Pseudoephedrine Hoarding" Holly. LaRue proudly admitted the new line was really pushing the envelope. "They're Bratz Dolls, what did you expect? " As for the detrimental effects the dolls may have on young girls LaRue was a bit more defensive. "You show me a person with a collection of Bratz Dolls, I'll show you Bristol Palin. Show me a person with a collection of Barbies, I'll show you Liberace."

Va. A.G. Cuccinelli fights to stop state funding for education unless "suggestively dangling" state of Florida blocked out on school maps

Virginia's Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli has vowed to find a way to cut off state funds for education if the state of Florida is not removed or blocked out of all maps that appear in public education classrooms, whether in textbooks or on walls. "It is obvious what part of the anatomy that suggestively dangling land mass is supposed to represent", thundered Cuccinelli at the Kickout Kenyan King Obama Tea Party rally in Norfolk. "We cannot afford to expose our children to that kind of pornography. It's digusting- the way it lays there flaccidly with such length and girth. The way it deliciously curves right before the tip...knowing how the warm Gulf waters are gently licking at the shores of its Panhandle..." Cuccinelli faded out, seemingly lost in disgust. A roar of approval from the crowd snapped his reverie. "I refuse to expose my children, OUR children, to such filth! Florida needs to be thrown down in the dungeon of willfull ignorance, down there with evolution and global warming!"
    The crowd erupted in agreement. Many carried picket signs echoing Cuccinelli's message such as "Circumcise The South!" and "You Can't Spell Phallus Without FLA!" Florida officials declined comment.

Tea Partier kicked out of rally for drawing “flattering” mustache on Obama poster

Pious, Kentucky- Edna Mae Sutcliffe of Florence was asked to leave the Americans for a More American America Tea Party rally yesterday for drawing what organizers called a "flattering" mustache on her Obama picket sign. "How hard is it to draw a 'Hitler'?" fumed rally organizer Mabry Townes. "It's the easiest thing in the world to draw. It's basically just a smudge. What was she thinking? Did Tom Selleck lead the Third Reich?"  Many rally attendants agreed. "I brought my girls here with me," said Pious resident Dwayne Lee Floyd. "I wanted them to see exactly what's right, and exactly what's wrong, with America. How am I s'posed to fill them with paranoia and hate for that Muslim Kenyan socialist dictator when he's starin' down from that sign like he's f%$*ing Billy Dee f&%*ing Williams? My oldest one, Valtrex, is 13 and she was starin' at him like he was Dale Jr. dipped in ranch dressing. We's s'posed to be firing up dissention, not some damn jungle fever. I swear she was eyeballin' that poster like it was a confederate flag-shaped pork rind. How can you undo something like that?"
    Not all members of the fledgling movement were as upset by the sign. Sarah Palin, unofficial spokesman for the Tea Party, addressed the issue on Glenn Beck's internet TV show, where she called for cooler heads to prevail. "I can't for the life of me figure out why this is such a big deal," she purred from Beck's underground bunker studio on Monday. "It's not like she made him white."