Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney has finally energized the Republican base by announcing that AIDS would be his running mate. The move, heralded by strategists as "so obvious, yet so brilliant", is expected to offset the albatross of "Romneycare", which the other GOP candidates have feasted on during the debates. Romney has faced a huge backlash from nearly the entire Republican party for causing his state the embarrassment of having the highest percentage of residents with health insurance, and he has been labeled by debate attendees as being "soft" on premature death. AIDS should help balance the ticket, and the poll numbers are reflecting that.
"I think he has just sewn up the nomination," said Karl Rove on Fox News. "At first blush it sounds crazy, but when you think about it AIDS appeals to such a broad swath of Republicans. It goes after drug addicts, and not the Limbaugh-esque ones, just the needle addicts, and we're all for that. It attacks homosexuals, which appeals to the Religious Right. It's a death sentence that has killed WAY more people than Rick Perry, so you can expect some defectors from his camp. And, of all the people all over the world that AIDS has killed in the past decade, most of them were black and did not even know how to speak English, so the Tea Party is behind it 100%. In fact, I overheard one saying Romney's only problem now is avoiding "second amendment remedies" from those who think AIDS should be president. He's a lock for the nomination."
Understandably, the other candidates tried to downplay how bleak their chances had become. Rick Perry, stumping in Alabama, tried to stay focused on his message of "taking America back to a simpler time and place." Perry then lost focus and could not name the simpler time or place, but one would guess from his hairstyle the set of a 1970s porn movie. When pressed for a reaction to Romney's announcement Perry stumbled over his words, finally blurting out that there were more scientists every day that believed AIDS was a myth, and he wasn't afraid of anything that couldn't be proven. Michelle Bachmann took the news head on, calling a press conference where she noted that AIDS was often found lurking in GAY bars, and was well known in the gay community. "Sure, it 'attacks' them. But do you know the route that it takes?" She then showed several very graphic slides that caused everyone but her husband to look away.
Jon Huntsman, in an interview with Newsweek, lauded the bravery of the choice, and heaped praise on the new V.P. candidate. He then wondered aloud if there was such a thing as a vice president's vice president. Ron Paul said something about it, but no one was paying any attention. Most of the remaining candidates were mum on the subject, trying to "global warm" it away by pretending it didn't exist. Newt Gingrich, however, called a joint press conference with Donald Trump. "If I am not mistaken," began Gingrich rather smugly, "AIDS is from AFRICA!" "Kinda like somebody else I know," interjected Trump from beside the podium. "So let's just see if the proper documentation can be produced that says AIDS is even eligible for office before we get all worked up."
The will-she-or-won't-she semi candidate Sarah Palin was, unfortunately, unavailable for comment. According to her assistant she was at a "strategic luncheon" with Sickle Cell Anemia.
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