Palin outraged: "Jennifer Grey, show us your birth certificate!"

     When Jennifer Grey was crowned champion of Dancing With The Stars last week there was a huge sigh of relief from much of the country. For Bristol Palin fans, however, and her mother, there were shrieks of disappointment which have now turned to cries of "cheater." Bristol's fans, known as The B. Party, are disputing the results of the show for reasons ranging from "voter irregularity" to whether Grey should have been allowed on the show to begin with. "We have several problems with the way the votes were tabulated," said B Party spokesperson Susan Angle. "We feel there was a large group of, how shall I put this nicely?... unregistered burrito types who voted for her just because Patrick Swayze is a god in Mexico. She was also popular among the prison population, "Dirty Dancing" is the closest thing to porn they can watch in lockup, and as we all know felons aren't allowed to vote in the United States. For anything. Ever. If we could throw out all the votes from the illegals and the cons and, for good measure, the gays, I know Bristol would be the champ."
   Sarah Palin, Bristol's mother and the former 1/2 governor of Alaska, had her own spin as to why her daughter should have won. "She claims to be from New York," said Palin during an episode of her Discovery Channel campaign commercial. "Then why does she spell her name G-R-E-Y? That sounds awful European to me. That ain't no American spelling I know. If you claim you're American you better start spelling American. Know what I mean?" Palin then winked and fired a shotgun at a passing squirrel. "She claims she's one of "us". Well why hasn't she shown us her birth certificate? How come we've never run in to her at church? I've never even seen her drink a beer. She's not qualified to be America's champion. Maybe Finland's champion, or some other place where they all get nose jobs and spell their name wrong, but not my America. She should resign, or abdicate, or whatever they do where she's from." Palin stroked the shaft of her shotgun lovingly. "I would hate for someone to have to take 2nd amendment actions to rectify this injustice." Palin turned toward a nearby barn that had a lifesize cutout of Grey leaning against it and raised her shotgun. "Dance for me now, you foreign faker!" shouted Palin as she calmly fired, blowing off the cutout's right leg. Palin then turned her head to the camera, smiled, and winked. "Nobody puts MY baby in the corner," she purred, firing once more, blowing off Grey's head.

Tea Party realizes "Tea Bagger" has dirty sexual overtones, changes nickname to "Salad Tossers"

Members of the Tea Party have referred to themselves as "Tea Baggers" almost since the inception of the fledgling movement, apparently oblivious of its reference to sexual act that many of the Tea Partiers themselves would consider depraved. As of this weekend, however, it appears that someone in the party read a men's magazine, or maybe watched some Cinemax, and became aware of what "tea bagging" entails. After holding an emergency all day meeting on Saturday, it was announced on Sunday that from now on they would refer to themselves as "Salad Tossers".
     "We was always wondering what the snickering was about," said Tea Party spokesman Eustis Gibber. "Once we found out about the sexual connotations we knew we had to change the name pronto. We debated a lot of possibilities but finally settled on 'Salad Tossers' because we are grassroots, we're earthy, and we like to mix things up. Some people didn't like that name at first, and we almost split into different factions over it, but in the end we stayed united. As one united group we know we can still toss America's salad."
    When asked about the possible factions Gibber refused comment, but others that were in the closed door sessions were more forthcoming. "It was a madhouse in there. Everyone wanted to change the name of the whole movement just to match their agenda," said an official who wished to remain anonymous. " The Ohioans, angry at their high unemployment, wanted 'Cleveland Steamers'. The Freedom of Speech crusaders, angry about the Rick Sanchez firing, wanted 'The Dirty Sanchez'. The religious ones wanted 'The Glory Whole'. Pennsylvanians wanted 'Hershey Highway'. And Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman almost won with 'Two Girls, One Coup'."
   

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" rendered obsolete by Army's new VIPIR Gaydar

Menlo Park- Army neuroscientists, working closely with a team of T.V. station staff meteorologists, have unveiled what they call the world's first VIPIR Gaydar. "We are very excited about this," said Army spokesperson Terry Stuart. "Our years of research have finally paid off." The device, referred to as V.G., is able to detect the subtle difference in the part of the brain that the Army scientists refer to as the "gay matter". This part of the brain, which this reporter will not even attempt to spell, is located in the hypothalmus and is larger in people that consider themselves homosexual. "In my opinion this is the part of the brain that hates God, and it becomes swollen when a man makes the decision that he would rather seek the embraces of another seed loader, rather than a God-intended egg bearer," said Stuart. "We make passes over the entire platoon and just look for the little blip on the screen. It's almost like a video game, 'cept I can't shoot 'em. We just snap their photo and start the paperwork to get them the hell out of my army." Stuart pointed to a large bulletin board that had 2 dozen photos of individual soldiers doing drills, obviously unaware they were being photographed. "I love this machine. Used to be there was nothing I could do, even when you could smell the Bette Midler just drippin' off of them. We don't need these these perversions prancing around in well muscled tank tops and camo pants distracting me or my men." Stuart paused, and stared intently at the board. He let out a long breath and closed his eyes. "It just makes me feel so good," he said softly, "looking at all these Privates. Imagining all these young men's discharges."
     The device had been in design stages for years, but was actually able to come to fruition after large financial donations from John McCain, the Westboro Baptist Church, and the disingenuously named "Center for Homosexual Fairness", which is actually an ultraconservative PAC named by Karl Rove.