"We're #1!" Boxed wine now #1 cause of unplanned pregnancy

Statistics released from the Center For Women's Health reveal that boxed wine has has overtaken perennial favorite "youthful indiscretion" as the leading cause for unplanned pregnancy in the United States. Boxed wine makers were jubilant about taking the top spot. "Halfway through the year we were in third or fourth place," said a breathless Miles Morgan, owner of Swig It From the Spigot winery and Boxed Wine Association spokesman. "We knew we had some ground to make up, and when (Director of development) Bruce Hunter came up with 'Books On Grape' we knew we had at least a chance to make things interesting." The recently released "Books On Grape" are boxed wines that are designed to look just like a stack of books, so they blend in easily on a nightstand or a desk. "We knew once we got the wine into the bedroom it would create a petri dish of unplanned pregnancies and bad decisions. I'm just so proud of all my guys right now. We've been putting the alcohol in fetal alcohol syndrome for years, and now we have the title to prove it! Somebody get me a box of Champagne!"
     Boxed wine's surge with caucasian women 18 to 30 is what took it to the top spot. "Youthful indiscretion" was still #1 amongst teenage girls, and "f*%#ing Viagra" was the leader in women over 40. Among African American women of all age groups the #1 cause for unplanned pregnancy, for the 24th year in a row, was Barry White music.

A.M.A.: Bratz Dolls "gateway drug" to marrying men with neck tattoos

Researchers in the United States have recently discovered a surprising statistic wherein women who played with Bratz Dolls as children were 4 times more likely to marry a man with a neck tattoo, compared to those who played with Barbies or other dolls. They were also twice as likely to marry men with mullets, and 7 times more likely to have "huffed" something in order to catch a buzz. While some might call these findings shocking, Trixie LaRue, president and founder of Bratz Dolls Inc, defended her company and her dolls. "Well, at least they're getting married," said LaRue on the Howard Stern radio show. "Bratz Dolls teach 8 year olds how to catch a man. Not every girl is going to grow up to be Suzy Scientist and girls need to know there are other ways to get ahead in life besides brains. Ever since they pulled 'Stripper Barbie' off the shelves young girls have had no way to hone their feminine wiles. Before Bratz Dolls how many 6 year olds knew what thigh high leather boot were, much less how to zip one up?"
    Ms. LaRue then discussed the upcoming fall line of dolls, which included Belle Limia, "What's this sore?" Jua Q'ina, and "Pseudoephedrine Hoarding" Holly. LaRue proudly admitted the new line was really pushing the envelope. "They're Bratz Dolls, what did you expect? " As for the detrimental effects the dolls may have on young girls LaRue was a bit more defensive. "You show me a person with a collection of Bratz Dolls, I'll show you Bristol Palin. Show me a person with a collection of Barbies, I'll show you Liberace."

Va. A.G. Cuccinelli fights to stop state funding for education unless "suggestively dangling" state of Florida blocked out on school maps

Virginia's Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli has vowed to find a way to cut off state funds for education if the state of Florida is not removed or blocked out of all maps that appear in public education classrooms, whether in textbooks or on walls. "It is obvious what part of the anatomy that suggestively dangling land mass is supposed to represent", thundered Cuccinelli at the Kickout Kenyan King Obama Tea Party rally in Norfolk. "We cannot afford to expose our children to that kind of pornography. It's digusting- the way it lays there flaccidly with such length and girth. The way it deliciously curves right before the tip...knowing how the warm Gulf waters are gently licking at the shores of its Panhandle..." Cuccinelli faded out, seemingly lost in disgust. A roar of approval from the crowd snapped his reverie. "I refuse to expose my children, OUR children, to such filth! Florida needs to be thrown down in the dungeon of willfull ignorance, down there with evolution and global warming!"
    The crowd erupted in agreement. Many carried picket signs echoing Cuccinelli's message such as "Circumcise The South!" and "You Can't Spell Phallus Without FLA!" Florida officials declined comment.

Tea Partier kicked out of rally for drawing “flattering” mustache on Obama poster

Pious, Kentucky- Edna Mae Sutcliffe of Florence was asked to leave the Americans for a More American America Tea Party rally yesterday for drawing what organizers called a "flattering" mustache on her Obama picket sign. "How hard is it to draw a 'Hitler'?" fumed rally organizer Mabry Townes. "It's the easiest thing in the world to draw. It's basically just a smudge. What was she thinking? Did Tom Selleck lead the Third Reich?"  Many rally attendants agreed. "I brought my girls here with me," said Pious resident Dwayne Lee Floyd. "I wanted them to see exactly what's right, and exactly what's wrong, with America. How am I s'posed to fill them with paranoia and hate for that Muslim Kenyan socialist dictator when he's starin' down from that sign like he's f%$*ing Billy Dee f&%*ing Williams? My oldest one, Valtrex, is 13 and she was starin' at him like he was Dale Jr. dipped in ranch dressing. We's s'posed to be firing up dissention, not some damn jungle fever. I swear she was eyeballin' that poster like it was a confederate flag-shaped pork rind. How can you undo something like that?"
    Not all members of the fledgling movement were as upset by the sign. Sarah Palin, unofficial spokesman for the Tea Party, addressed the issue on Glenn Beck's internet TV show, where she called for cooler heads to prevail. "I can't for the life of me figure out why this is such a big deal," she purred from Beck's underground bunker studio on Monday. "It's not like she made him white."