"Santorum Surges From Behind In Iowa"

     Rick Santorum, who has been polling in the rear for much of his campaign, has seen a bump in his numbers over the past week. His ultraconservative values and his impassioned, frothy speeches seem to giving him some headway in Iowa. We have excerpts from many of the stumps he's given on the campaign trail.

On his recent surge- "We didn't take a break over the holiday. I love all the holiday galas in D.C. this time of year, but we just stayed focused. There were nights that we could hardly get into R.N.C. headquarters because of all the parties going on. As much as I hated to, I skipped the balls and slipped my staff in the back door."
On Newt Gingrich- "Newt and his tawdry affairs have tainted the G.O.P. image. My devout Christian values and, hopefully, my prayers, will help us overcome this stigma. I pray for it every night, and every time I drop to my knees I imagine moving beyond Newt's taint."
On Welfare- "Americans have become afraid of hard work. We have to overcome this. We all need to be willing to get down on all fours and do whatever needs to be done. It may seem painful at first, but once you get used to it you can actually find pleasure at how sore you are in the end."
On Rick Perry's brief surge- "I warned Rick to not talk so much once he started becoming popular. Talking has never been his strong suit. I told him 'You keep keep flapping your jaw like that then don't be surprised when this explodes in your face'. My uncle gave me that advice when I was a boy, and it still holds true."
On Campaigning In New York- "What a great city! I really like Manhattan a lot, but I have to confess, I really love me some Queens."
On His New Semi-frontrunner Status- "I know that the people I am now ahead of will throw everything they can at me. It may get ugly, but I expect it, it's how these things work. It's like I always say 'I don't mind taking a pounding as long as it's from someone behind me.'"
On Trimming The Budget- "We need to make some deep cuts, but we just have to be smart about it. For example, when I was supreme leader of Pennsylvania we were able to cut several million dollars from the department of transportation, with no visible effect to our interstate roadways, which are some of the most beautiful in the country. If you're ever up around my neighborhood I would like to invite you to drive up the Hershey Highway. It's an experience you'll never forget, and it would give me more pleasure than you know."

Obama's Favorite Christmas Carol

It's beginning to look a lot like Gingrich

Everywhere they poll

He surged past poor Rom-ney

To be the nominee

To take those lazy people off the dole

It's beginning to look a lot like Gingrich

All over my TV

He won every debate

By masking all his hate

And not forgetting how to count to three

Ahead of Santorum and Perry, those guys who hate fairys

Beating Bachmann, oh rejoice

He jumped over Ron Paul, it's not hard, he's not tall

And no one hears his voice

For those resolute but not astute Newt is the only choice

They're beginning to overlook his mistress

Both of them it seems

They believe his fidelity now

He took a written vow

And no one wants him even in his wildest dreams

Forget his disgrace, he's winning the race

Without any ethical worryin'

"I don't really lobby, it's only a hobby

That pays for my DeLorean

And Fannie Mae, what can I say, I was only the historian"

(repeat)

Mitt Romney Surges to GOP Lead After Naming AIDS as His Running Mate

     Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney has finally energized the Republican base by announcing that AIDS would be his running mate. The move, heralded by strategists as "so obvious, yet so brilliant", is expected to offset the albatross of "Romneycare", which the other GOP candidates have feasted on during the debates. Romney has faced a huge backlash from nearly the entire Republican party for causing his state the embarrassment of having the highest percentage of residents with health insurance, and he has been labeled by debate attendees as being "soft" on premature death. AIDS should help balance the ticket, and the poll numbers are reflecting that.
     "I think he has just sewn up the nomination," said Karl Rove on Fox News. "At first blush it sounds crazy, but when you think about it AIDS appeals to such a broad swath of Republicans. It goes after drug addicts, and not the Limbaugh-esque ones, just the needle addicts, and we're all for that. It attacks homosexuals, which appeals to the Religious Right. It's a death sentence that has killed WAY more people than Rick Perry, so you can expect some defectors from his camp. And, of all the people all over the world that AIDS has killed in the past decade, most of them were black and did not even know how to speak English, so the Tea Party is behind it 100%. In fact, I overheard one saying Romney's only problem now is avoiding "second amendment remedies" from those who think AIDS should be president. He's a lock for the nomination."
     Understandably, the other candidates tried to downplay how bleak their chances had become. Rick Perry, stumping in Alabama, tried to stay focused on his message of "taking America back to a simpler time and place." Perry then lost focus and could not name the simpler time or place, but one would guess from his hairstyle the set of a 1970s porn movie. When pressed for a reaction to Romney's announcement Perry stumbled over his words, finally blurting out that there were more scientists every day that believed AIDS was a myth, and he wasn't afraid of anything that couldn't be proven. Michelle Bachmann took the news head on, calling a press conference where she noted that AIDS was often found lurking in GAY bars, and was well known in the gay community. "Sure, it 'attacks' them. But do you know the route that it takes?" She then showed several very graphic slides that caused everyone but her husband to look away.
     Jon Huntsman, in an interview with Newsweek, lauded the bravery of the choice, and heaped praise on the new V.P. candidate. He then wondered aloud if there was such a thing as a vice president's vice president. Ron Paul said something about it, but no one was paying any attention. Most of the remaining candidates were mum on the subject, trying to "global warm" it away by pretending it didn't exist. Newt Gingrich, however, called a joint press conference with Donald Trump. "If I am not mistaken," began Gingrich rather smugly, "AIDS is from AFRICA!" "Kinda like somebody else I know," interjected Trump from beside the podium. "So let's just see if the proper documentation can be produced that says AIDS is even eligible for office before we get all worked up."
     The will-she-or-won't-she semi candidate Sarah Palin was, unfortunately, unavailable for comment. According to her assistant she was at a "strategic luncheon" with Sickle Cell Anemia.

    

"History Minute" with Sarah Palin

 I can't express how important Estelle Getty's Burg address is to me. It's where she, uh, drove her car, ya know, a Lincoln, 4 doors and 7 gears, ya know, to bring an end to gayery in all 9 colonies. I know my history!

Khadafy and Charlie Sheen inked to costar in Al Jazeera sitcom.

     The Al Jazeera television network announced today that it would start producing its first situation comedy, and they had signed Mouammar Khadafi and Charlie Sheen as its leading men. This press release was sent to all the major wire services today:
     What happens when a deposed dictator with a quick temper but a heart of gold is forced to move in with a former star actor with a coke problem? That's right. Hilarity! These two will constantly be butting heads over everything from religion to culture to "whose turn is it to buy weed?". When you take the zany antics of Khadafi and add the gravitas of Sheen you know this show can't help but be a huge hit. Of course we will also have special guest stars including Mubarak, who plays "the other dictator down the hall" and John Boehner as the "crusty but lovable landlord". Production of the as yet untitled sitcom is set to begin next month..."
     Qhadafi is set to play a deposed dictator in exile with a last name that is impossible to misspell. Sheen will play a former star who is in exile from Hollywood when his career implodes after stints in jail, rehab, and the hospital, and whose very public meltdown makes him virtually unemployable. Sheen says his character is "very loosely based" on Lindsay Lohan.
      Both men are very excited to work with each other. Said Ghadafi "I can't wait to work with him. He is an amazing actor and, more importantly, if you put Charlie and I in a room together and someone else walks in... I am no longer the craziest person in the room! My Allah! Do you know how long it's been since I wasn't the craziest person in the room? Not since college. If people see me next to him all the time it will only make me seem more and more sane. 'Tiger blood powers'? More like bat shit crazy! And the more stable I appear the more it will help in court during my custody battle for Libya."
      Sheen was equally excited. "This may be the one other human whose charisma wattage is close to mine. The blood flow to his brain is like an antelope on fire with steroids. I think we will understand each other the way no other humans can understand us. Plus, he can score the most amazing cocaine. You want good blow? The best in the world? Other than Pablo Escobar nobody on the planet has better stuff than Q'Dhafi. It makes the best stuff I ever scored in L.A. look like a homeless orphan beaten to death with the bloody stump of a Gulf war vet with a lazy eye and hepatitis. Know what I mean?"
     Producers hope to add the show this fall to their "Must See (or we will come to your house and stone your children) Thursday" lineup. The show has not been named yet, but possible working titles include "Mo' Mar, Mo' Problems", "Two And A Half Yemen", Shiite My Dad Says", "The Oil And The Sheen", and "Manics". The first episodes will revolve around Charlie always doing something to make his new roommate go crazy. In the pilot episode Mouammar comes back from the store to find out that, thanks to Charlie, none of his 18 virgin female bodyguards are virgins anymore. Upcoming episodes include one where Charlie ransacks Momar's wardrobe so he and his children can dress like the members of The Village People, and another where Charlie doesn't want to be roommates anymore when he realizes Mouammar was not the supreme ruler of labia.

    

Blargle interviews Cuccinelli: "When did you realize you were gay?"

     On Friday Virginia's Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli floated the idea that Virginia could "raise, equip and fund an independent Virginia militia entirely from state revenues." (Washington Post-1/28/10) in order to bypass the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell. He would rather spend state money to supplant the National Guard than to allow homosexuals to serve in his state. Soon after he made this statement he sat down with Blargle for this exclusive interview.

Blargle: When did you realize you were gay?
Ken Cuccinelli: I'm not gay. Never have been gay. Never will be gay. Why? Did somebody tell you I'm gay? They're lying. I am soooo not gay.
B: O.K. We get the point. But why have you displayed such animus to the homosexual community?
K.C.: Animals? Who said anything about animals? I have never mentioned animals, and if anyone said anything about me and animals they're lying. I have never mentioned gerbils or hamsters or stallions or any other creature. You have no photographic proof.
B: Not animals, sir. Animus. Why do you have such hatred for gays?
K.C.: I don't hate gays. That's my God's job. No, I don't hate them, but I will admit some of them make me very uncomfortable, especially the butch men. The tall ones with dark hair who are all oiled up in their leather vests and tight shorts, the ones that look like they could just jump off the pages of the magazine and, well, ...lets just say it is that discomfort that has lead to many of my initiatives. If they can make a straight man such as myself feel that tingly/queasy, I can only imagine the harm they could do to the children and others of our great state.
B: Speaking of your initiatives, there does seem to be a pattern of targeting the gay citizens of Virginia. Removing the protected class status of state workers, attempting to make all public universities in Virginia do the same, trying to cover up the breast of Lady Liberty, and now this. What motivates you?
K.C.: How was the Lady Liberty thing anti-gay?
B: It isn't. We just still can't get over how small minded that is so we like to bring it up as much as possible. But really, what motivates you?
K.C.: Well my first consideration is the citizens of our great state. I want Virginia to be known as the un-gayest state in America. And I want to be known as the un-gayest attorney general in America. When people mention my name I want them to say "Wow. That Ken Cuccinelli sure is not gay. He is the straightest, most not attracted to members of the same sex guy in the world." That's all I'm after.
B: But that's just the sort of thing that makes some people feel, myself included, that you are trying to hide your own homosexual tendencies.
K.C.: If that is the case, then this interview is OVER!

Cuccinelli then, with great machismo, snuffed out his Virginia Slim in the ashtray and stormed down the hall, the squeak of his leather chaps rubbing together slowly fading into the distance.

Bachman's SOTU rebuttal: "It was all ebonics to me."

     Looking somewhat like a distracted raccoon Michelle Bachman gave the official Tea Party response to the president's State of the Union address last night. Exuding righteous indignation and disgust for the president's message, Ms. Bachman was surprisingly short on the specifics of what the president said that filled her with such acrimony. She blamed this on not understanding him. "The liberals and socialists out there would have you believe that he is so eloquent and such a powerful speaker. That is just left wing propaganda. I saw his lips moving, but it was all ebonics to me. Now I'm not a racist, but am I the only one that felt like I was listening to Uncle Remus? I couldn't understand a word of it. All I got from it was that he never showed his birth certificate during the speech. That spoke volumes to me."
     Rather than attacking what the president said Bachman instead used the platform to push the Tea Party's, and her own, agenda. "If a Tea Bagger such as myself were running this country there would be millions of new jobs. New jobs for bonnet makers. New jobs for blacksmiths. New jobs for telegraph operators. The whole butter churn production industry would be turned around, not to mention the Pony Express. And nothing will cut down our dependence on foreign oil like the resurgence of the horse and buggy. And as far as alternative energy sources, Tea Party scientologists are working night and day to figure out how to harness a huge untapped American resource. If we can capture the energy from the burning all the textbooks that teach evolution we can rule the world!"
     Bachman also intimated her plans for the next election. "I haven't really asked her, but I think a Bachman/Palin ticket could make some big noise. Just think about it. 'Two girls, one teacup'. It's got a nice ring to it. Sarah and I could take the Tea Party principles and chew them up a little bit, pass them back and forth, and then drop them on the country. These ideals will fertilize economic growth and restore the country to what it used to be."